Planning on “Proclaim”ing again this year!

I realized, quite ashamedly in fact, that I haven’t really shared some great news with my friends and family near and far. So for all who haven’t heard, I’m sorry.

Proclaim Retreat, 2013

With that, I am happy to report that, beginning this Thursday at 1pm, I will begin my adventure to California to attend the Proclaim Retreat again this year. I am excited to see some familiar faces and get to know a ton of knew people as well during this trip. I only hope that I’ll have enough to do between flights on Thursday afternoon/evening and Friday morning as well as Monday afternoon/evening and Tuesday morning. Despite my best efforts, I’ll be spending nearly a day in airplanes or airports before and after the retreat.

If you’d like more information on the retreat, you can click here and it will bring you to Extraordinary Lutheran Ministries’ website on the retreat. Please pray for me on Thursday and Tuesday that my flights go well and send warm thoughts my way over the weekend. I’ll definitely be doing the same and will even try to send a bit of warm weather and sunshine along with it. It’s looking like mid to high seventies all weekend long. Ahh, I can almost feel it!

I’ve been published!!!

Hey everyone! I just wanted you all to know that I have recently been published in one of our school’s newsletter. The article (about a page long) is in response to my feelings about the Boy Scouts of America and their decision regarding homosexuality. If you have a few minutes, I would be tickled pink if you’d read my article and the posts by others as well. There are some truly amazing people who have helped out with this newsletter through the years. I am incredibly honored to be published with them.

You can find the newsletter here, and my article, titled “To Protest by Persisting in Remaining” here. <–Click on the word(s) to follow the link!

Thank you and God Bless!

 

Prayer and Authenticity

Hello Dear Friends!

So I’m in the midst of reading “Click 2 Save: The Digital Ministry Bible” by Elizabeth Drescher and Keith Anderson, and it has encouraged me to write a post in response.

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with my identity in many and various ways in the past, so I feel it should come as little or no surprise that I wonder about my boundaries and identity as a future minister (God willing) in the ELCA and, even sooner, an intern. I wonder about facebook, e-mail, cell-phone numbers, etc. in regards to how much to divulge and where to draw the line. Moreso, I wonder what my “identity” should be in these regards. In reading Drescher and Anderson’s second chapter which addresses this issue (thank goodness I’m not the only one conflicted!) they suggest an intentional presence and, above all, an authentic one. In speaking with my advisor, professor, former boss, facebook friend and an all-around awesome person, Susan had also told me to do the same. Be intentional about what you post and be authentic.

This got me thinking about what that looks like even more, and with the help of Elizabeth, Keith and Susan, I’ve realized that I’m already doing it. Who I am on Facebook and on here is authentic to who I am, and I’m (usually) intentional in what I post. Sure, I like to have fun and talk about gardening, cleaning, reading, weight loss, frogs and unicorns in addition to talking about God, but that’s because it’s part of who I am. I hope that others feel comfortable with that and feel free to respond authentically as well.  I also hope that my friends will challenge me when they disagree with me!

That being said, I hope that you (whoever you are) will feel free to share a bit about who you are with me. You can post a comment on here, e-mail me at pjohnson@wartburgseminary.edu , post on my facebook page, message me, send me a letter, or any other way you can think of to contact me. I’d love to hear from you.

I also want to let everyone know that I’d love the opportunity to pray for/with you. If you have a prayer request and you’d like me to pray as well, please let me know (again, by any of the aforementioned means) and I would be honored to pray. Please know that, unless directly specified by the person being prayed for, I will not post prayers or those I am praying for. I would like to respect everyone’s privacy, so unless you would like it specifically shared with others, it will be between you and me.

Thanks for reading, and God Bless! I hope to hear from you to chat about life, for prayer requests, or for any other reason. Have a good one!

Bookmarks

Being someone who LOVES to read, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to hear that I have bookmarks. A LOT of bookmarks. Some are incredibly decorative, or have inspirations quotes or Bible passages on them. Some are simplistic, such as a neatly laminated bookmark that has BOOKMARK printed along the length of it in bold, large sized font. Some have tassels, some have ribbons, some have clips, some are magnetic. But the strangest thing about these bookmarks is that none of them are currently marking spots in my books!

Instead of bookmarks, I have cards, flyers, notes, fortunes, pictures, receipts, bumper stickers, leaves and church bulletins in between the pages of my books. I’ve tried using bookmarks in the past, but it never seems to work. I’ll be reading a book, take out the bookmark while reading and slide it in the back by the cover. Then when I’m done reading for a bit, I pick up one of the aforementioned items and place it neatly within to hold my place. Try as I might, my bookmarks collect dust on my bookshelf while these other items sneak between the pages of these books.

I guess I just can’t use something as a bookmark whose only purpose is to be a bookmark. I have a card from my grandmother currently marking my progression in a book for Theology of the Congregation. A fortune cookie paper holds the spot in another book, and even though I don’t need something to keep place in my kindle, there’s a Human Rights Campaign bumper sticker nestled between the protector and the screen. At times, these other items seem to hold bigger stories and wilder tales than the ones for which they are keeping place. Each item acts as a memento, a reminder of activities gone by or yet to come. These are not merely scraps or a means by which I can remember where I had left off in my reading, but something much more.

Even more, while pondering this fact, I noticed that the items in my books often corresponded to what I was reading in some way. The HRC bumper sticker in my kindle reminds me of the stories I have been reading about fights for freedom and equality. The fortune cookie in my Bible is a memento from an amazing birthday party with great friends from school. And that card from my grandmother, with her nearly illegible handwriting and comforting words? It’s held firmly in a book which is difficult to read because of its raw and gruesome truth. When the reading is too much, I can be comforted by the care and kindness my grandmother showed me in that card.

These items, which may serve temporarily serve as bookmarks, are much more than that, because they are touch stones to remember some of the important things in my life. Oftentimes after returning to Dubuque from DePere, I’ll find myself remembering the people of St. John Lutheran by using a church bulletin. In fact, if I were to write a diary or keep a journal of my life, it would undoubtedly be overflowing with these reminders of what has affected me and shaped me. Until then, my diary is split up, a memory here, a friendship there. A family member holding a place in my heart will also likely hold a place in my books as well.

Just as John’s Gospel comments that the world could not hold books listing all of which Jesus had done, nor can all my books ever hope to contain all the amazing memories I have had within my lifetime. Undoubtedly Christ’s actions are far more important, but they were done for God’s people, like me, and that makes my stories all the more amazing because of Jesus’ story.

Still finding “me”

It seems crazy, but I’m still trying to find who I am in the grand scheme of things. In regards to this blog, I often hesitate to share some insight because, what if I omit another detail that people are inquiring about? Or how will people react if I say something too rashly and then regret it? Sure, I can delete the post, but by then people have seen it. And what if no one bothers to read it? What if they go “oh that same old tune? Bah!”

One major thing that has been stopping me from posting is that I don’t have official clearance to post about my internship assignment site. I worry that if I don’t post, people will assume something is wrong, or that my supervisors are forbidding it. If I do post, I’m violating that trust. In my case, let all who are worrying be assured that I am very content with my site and that I look forward to this upcoming year and with working with my supervisors. So no, I’m not saying where, but not because I’m upset or forbidden, we just haven’t gotten to that point yet. When I ask and receive confirmation, you’ll know.

In reading a few chapters from Sherry Turkle’s book “Alone Together: Why we expect more from technology and less from each other,” I found it quite ironic that my rebuttal to some of her claims exposed my own fears. I thought some of her comments seemed quite negative concerning the information she got from the youth she interviewed. My internal response was “well yeah, they’re dealing with identity issues in a digital age, but they’d have the same issues in a non-digital world, it would just look different.” Worrying about what friends thought about my ‘favorite music’ on facebook would be replaced with the fear of negative comments when I start singing along to a song I like on the radio and everyone else can’t stand. It’s all about concerns we have about how others will perceive us.

And then it hit me that I was neglecting this blog for the same reason. I didn’t want people to hate me for what I said, what I thought, how long or short of a post, etc. But all those fears manifest in different ways in the non-digital realms of life as well. I’m aware of my miniscule interaction with movies compared to most of my friends. The clothing I buy and wear is based not only on whether I like it, but also on whether it will be accepted by those with whom I interact (will classmates at school think it looks cool without causing my professors to blush because of some inappropriate writing/image/concept/etc. on it?) and if it will fit with who I try to present myself to be (No bright, flashy colors, no risque images, family-friendly funny is a plus) the list goes on…

Realizing the fact that what these youth are dealing with in regards to technology permeates all of life, and that all are susceptible to it’s effects (even fabulous me) made me realize that it’s okay to make some risks, because that’s where we put our foot down and take a stand. It may cause some murmurs of concern (or approval) but it’s a good first step for figuring out what our “self” looks like–with the knowledge that it can and will undoubtedly change over time. In fact, it ties in perfectly with the readings for the Gadamer course I’m taking this semester as well. Gadamer (for those not acquainted with him, he’s a smart German theologian [who I believe is now dead] who wrote on the meaning of truth and method) claims that we can’t really know who we are because who we are is still in the process of becoming. In fact, even after we die, the memory and understanding of who we are will continue to change.

So in the grand scheme of things, I guess it’s okay that I don’t have it all figured out. I may not always know if something is appropriate to say or not say (on the internet or in person) but I can’t learn if I don’t try it out. And as long as I realize that I am a child of God, saved by grace through faith from the Holy Spirit in Christ Jesus, I’d say I’m off to a pretty good start. In the process, I hope to find out some great new things about myself and others. I also hope that every comment I receive, whether positive or negative, will be a chance to learn and grow.

Until next time,

God Bless!

(And if it seems like it has been too long, don’t be afraid to let me know!)

Seeking Perfection

While reading some very creative and insightful articles for preaching, I had a thought that I wanted to share with you all. You may relate to the thought, or it may seem completely opposite to your nature. Either way, I hope it helps you to better understand me and something I still struggle with- perfectionism.

When I had my endorsement interview, I remember thinking that things were going really well. I enjoyed talking about my faith story, the ups and downs of seminary life, and was surprised to realize how far I had come in a year and a half. In the midst of talking about classes and which professors I liked (I said all, and I truly meant it) Pastor Scott hit me with a question that caught me completely off-guard. He asked me if being a perfectionist got in the way of my studies. WHAT?!? Me, a perfectionist? I remember sitting in a chair outside while they discussed their decision and writing on the pad of paper that I had brought with me “Am I a perfectionist?”

Pastor Scott’s question hit me like a slap in the face, and the next day when I spoke with Susan (my adviser) and asked her if she thought I was a perfectionist, she responded with a blatant “YEAH!” Since then, I have been slowly realizing that what was so obvious to them (and likely to many others as well) was completely hidden from me. Recognizing it and finally admitting to it has been a struggle. I encountered it again when discussing internship sites with Dr. Sayler. She told me that I’m too hard on myself and second-guess myself too much. After I stopped putting myself down for putting myself down, I realized it was because of that perfectionism again.

Being more aware of it, I’ve noticed that it has affected my life so much and kept holding me back. In dieting, I tried to be perfect in counting every calorie and watching every little thing that I ate. When I goofed and ate too much or scarfed down something unhealthy, all was lost in my mind. I screwed it up, so I might as well give up. Writing assignments, especially major papers, have been so hard because I worry so much about doing it right that I’m too scared to even start. Even in cleaning my room, I will put it off because I don’t have enough time to clean it to perfection. And it’s all so silly! I’m so caught up in doing it wrong that I can’t even do it at all!

I’m reminded of a trip last summer that I took to the cabin up north. I wanted to whittle something, so I got a pocket knife and found a large branch and started whittling away. The branch was a bit dry, so at times pieces would break off, and there was some discoloration in places. As I tried to fix all the mistakes and cut out the discoloration, it kept breaking and new spots kept showing up. Eventually all I had left was a tiny little piece of wood, about as long as my fingernail. The tip broke off, so I threw even that away. Looking back, I realize that my perfectionism is the knife and I’m the piece of wood. Whenever I tried to do something, that need for perfection would cut away at me until there wasn’t anything left.

So what does this have to do with the preaching articles? In reading them, they repeatedly remind the reader to keep the Word in mind. All too often sermon writers try to form some perfect masterpiece, or tell this perfect story, but at the expense of the Word. When they don’t keep Scripture at the center, it becomes all too easy to keep hacking away at it until there’s nothing left. The same goes for ourselves. If we forget who we are, as children of God, and forget that our goal is to share the Good News, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, help the poor, and love our neighbor, it’s easy to get caught up in life until there’s no real meaning left. We find ourselves constantly busy trying to find fulfillment in empty things. And what does that mean for us? Well, for me it means I have more schoolwork to finish. For you? Well, you’ll have to figure that one out yourself. If you figure it out, let me know. I’d love to hear what God’s calling you to do.

Monthly Physical Challenge

Hey everyone!

In a continuing effort to better myself physically and make sure I’m getting the necessary nutrients in my daily diet, I have renewed my dedication to http://www.myfitnesspal.com (it’s free to use) and plan on using it on a regular basis. I love it because it not only has tons of items already in their system, but it re-adjusts every ten pounds you lose to keep up with how many calories you should be taking in each day based on your weight loss/maintenance/gain goals and level of physical activity.

Yesterday I weighed myself again and had lost another 1.6lbs (woo hoo!) and if updated onfacebook. Luckily for me, one of my friends noticed it and invited me to join a group called the Monthly Physical Challenge. Every month they have exercise challenges that start off easy on the first of the month and get progressively harder. Today’s exercises are 5 Burpees and 5 Single Leg Reaches (per leg). I’m excited to continue in this challenge each day (started today) and would like to invite anyone on facebook to check it out. Their site is at https://www.facebook.com/groups/452762524771365/

What about you? Anyone interested in these useful tools, or have any other great ideas to share with me? I’d love to hear from you!

Peace,

Paul

Quick Thoughts

Hey everyone!

So for anyone reading this that doesn’t attend St. John Lutheran Church, or does but wasn’t at the annual meeting, I gave a quick speech thanking everyone for their support, and explaining this wonderfully and scary journey called Seminary. I can remember that Christmas Eve service, back in ’09 when I sat down with the family and had my life changed for the better. We had been a bit late, so rather than sit on the left side of the church in “our” pew, we were a bit further towards the front and on the right side. Today I decided to sit over on the right side again. Partly because I was thinking about that service, but mostly because I wanted to catch up with Carlyn and Marlene. A tiny fragment of the decision may or may not have been to mess with dad’s head, but I’ll let the reader decide on that one.

In any case, being on that right side again made me realize all that has happened to me in that church since I got that calling again and finally stopped saying “no.” I helped out with communion for the first time and had my zipper down through the whole thing. Thanks again, Jim L for catching that one. I filled in for services when the pastors needed someone to cover, and undoubtedly goofed up something or another each time. I told the pastors I was terrified of the thought of working with youth, so they told me to become a confirmation guide…

The list goes on and on of the amazing opportunities that I’ve had, and the little slip-ups that have occurred along the way. At any one of those times, the congregation could have said “you know, maybe we’ll take you off the list for communion assistant” or “I think next time we’ll just hire a pulpit supply person” or “you’re afraid of kids? Oh, well then never mind.” But instead of those responses I got positive reinforcements, helpful tips (like making sure your zipper’s up before communion distribution) and encouraging nudges to explore my growing edges. I have been nurtured by the church. I have been graced with a loving, forgiving, and understanding family that stands by me and encourages me every step of the way.

My excuse all along to God was that I couldn’t do it. What I didn’t realize was that I was really thinking I couldn’t do it alone. Luckily for me, God has made sure that I didn’t have to. I have been surrounded by love, raised up in a strong faith, and encouraged to fulfill my potential. Along the way I have met truly amazing people, realized the gems in my life with my friends, family, former co-workers, random acquaintances… I can’t do it alone, and that’s okay, because I don’t have to. I only hope I can help others realize that themselves by being a part of their support network. Because the truth of the matter is that God doesn’t abandon us in our hour of need.

Blessings to you all!

-Paul

 

Chicago

This year’s January Interim (J-term) class is on domestic violence. Since coming to the Seminary and hearing about this J-term, I’ve known that this would be a class I’d want to take. All the comments I’ve heard from other classmates and graduates have only reinforced this feeling. Now that I’m in the course, it’s even more apparent that not only do I want to take this course, but I need to take it. From day one, I have been intrigued by the material. It feels horrible to say that I’m excited to be learning about domestic violence, but I can’t help but think of how much it will help me in future ministry and interactions with others who have suffered from domestic violence in one form or another. What has surprised me is how MANY people have been impacted by such a horrible thing.

Our class just returned on Friday from a three day trip in Chicago, talking with people who work with shelters, those voicing concerns about this issue, victims of domestic violence, a social worker working with the Cook County Police on responding to DV calls, someone who works with human trafficking… the list goes on. Even more, we’ve heard one another’s stories as to how this has affected each of us in our own lives. Some of us have been more closely affected by domestic violence than others. We have shared tears, hugs, stories of violence, despair, loss, hopelessness, hope, community, encouragement, faith…

As one portion of this course comes to a close, I feel like this has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Whenever I thought I had finally overloaded on emotions and wouldn’t be able to feel, yet another voice managed to break through and make me feel again. My heart broke so many times, and just as many times was made new by the knowledge that there are people out there who are working to make this right, there are people who have survived the violence, people who have found the courage to leave, the strength to move on. There are so many reasons that people stay in these relationships, sometimes even willingly. I only hope that God will use me to get through to even one person and help them find freedom from the hurt.

May God’s presence be made known to all those suffering from domestic violence, victims of hate, that they may find a way to escape such situations and find the resources necessary to survive and be free. And may God use my being to help those in need and to share the Good News. This is not their “cross to bear,” nor should they “suffer gladly for God.” Our God is one of hope and love, not suffering and pain.

 

 

Happiness and Hmm…

Hey everyone!

Well this year has definitely started off on a good note! I finished the last year and began this one at home in De Pere, then returned back to Dubuque in the evening of the first to get back into my normal routine before classes begin.  I love my family dearly and truly enjoyed the ten or so days I was able to share with them. It was great having a chance to see everyone in person, to hear their voices, shake their hands, and hug them tight. That being said, it has been great being back in Dubuque as well. I’m always happy to come home, so with two homes, it makes for a lot of happiness. I’m hoping the happiness can and will continue.

Amid the joy and happiness welcoming in yet another year has brought, I’m still left with several questions. Nothing too serious or urgent, mind you, but questions nonetheless. I’d say the biggest remains how God will continue to shape my life. I recently wrote about how amazing these past three years have been since I stopped running from God’s calling, but it doesn’t mean I know what the future will hold for me. It’s both incredibly frightening and comforting all at once. While it would be great to just say “Okay, God. I trust you completely, so I’m not going to fret,” I wouldn’t want to lie so boldly to God. Because the fact of the matter is, I’m still left with doubts and concerns. I can and always try to rejoice in the moments where my worry proves unwarranted, but hindsight is 20/20.

Another major question, or pondering, that I’m still chewing over is whether or not to become vegetarian. While I know a lot of people make this choice for ethical reasons, such as in protest of the cruelty to animals or because they feel the slaughtering of innocence in all creatures to be horrendous, my pondering is for another reason. I don’t really crave meat, hate the thought of going anywhere near raw meat, and wouldn’t want to slaughter an animal or even just butcher one to get said raw and icky meat. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not dissing meat-eaters, either. I’m just wondering if it’s fair for me to eat something I’d never actually want to prepare myself. In my meals here in Dubuque, I rarely use meat, and even then only if it’s pre-cooked, like in soups or lunchmeats. 90% of the meals I prepare for myself are already vegetarian, so why not simplify things and make it 100%?

In any case, I want to make sure this year continues to go well. I thought about what I could do to make my life better and came up with ten goals for myself. It started off with the idea of writing down a goal or two, but ten is what I ended up with. So without any further ado, here they are:

1. Weigh 266lbs or less

2. Pay down loans to less than $23,000 (currently at $24,364.34 and increasing about a dollar per day. Still, with a stipend while on Internship, I’m hoping this can be a reality.)

3. Be more assertive.

4. Eat/Live/Feel healthier.

5. Be closer to God.

6. Be less reactive with others.

7. Stick with spiritual practices.

8. De-clutter your life.

9. Do something wild and crazy. (For me, of course. Being the fairly conservative person that I am, it wouldn’t have to be anything too out there.)

10. Be happier with who you are.

I think #5 and #10 are the most important of them all. If I manage these two, the other eight will undoubtedly happen as well. I’m hoping that at the end of the year I’ll be able to come back to these goals and tell you that I’ve managed to fulfill all of them. If not, oh well. I just hope the journey is a good one.

Finally, I’d like to leave you with an idea that’s currently going around on the internet. It suggests making a jar for the 2013 year, and sticking positive thoughts and notes from each day into the jar. Then, on New Years Eve, you can open up the jar and read all the wonderful blessings you’ve had over the year. I’ve started mine, and I have to say it feels really good to think of the positives each day and focus on them. The other day, after shoveling out a friend’s driveway with other great friends, I was invited to share in a truly delicious meal. Between the bites of delicious breads and warm, tasty soup, we shared stories and enjoyed one another’s company. Afterwards, it felt so great knowing that the memory of that day would be kept safe in my jar.

So what about you? Do you have any New Years Resolutions or goals you’d like to share? Are you thinking maybe the jar idea is pretty cool? I’ve already seen another one with the beginning of what is sure to be a treasure trove of positives. The family is working on one together, and even decorated the jar. Definitely a good idea for families of any age, or for individuals as well. Let me know if it works out for you.

Until next time!

Paul Johnson