Explore my Journey with me!

Slowly Revealing A New Me

Hello everyone!

I want to mention something that happened while over in Israel. Something amazing. Something, you could say, live changing. I can’t tell you where we were or what we were doing at the time. I can’t give an exact date, or time of the day. All I know is that throughout the trip I was changing. Changing for the better. Something clicked inside me, finally fell into place, however you want to describe it.

As I’m sure most of you are aware, I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.Except perhaps for some of my initial years, I have been overweight. This in turn caused me to have low self esteem, which led me to comfort myself… with food. Thus a scary and extremely dangerous cycle began, with me caught in the middle. After a while that cycle had been looping over and over so long that I didn’t know where it began, and I certainly didn’t know where it ended.

While I had managed for the most part to stop gaining weight (and even made some gains in losing weight) I kept balancing way above where I should be. In fact at one point I weighed a whopping 369 lbs! I stopped going to the doctor because I dreaded seeing them weigh me. Somehow the lack of a comment paired with diverted eyes cut deeper than if they had just gotten it over with and shouted “wow, we’ve got a fatty over here!”

I kept having to buy new clothes, each purchase a painful reminder of how low I had sunk. I stopped wearing dress shirts because they always tightened around the stomach. My work shirts wouldn’t stay tucked in unless I bought the extra long ones. Life became a constant hell, and I was keeping myself there.

Over the past couple of years I have managed to make some efforts to climb out of that self-created prison, but the efforts usually didn’t last long. I’d go in, full steam, and then lose momentum after a day or two. Sometimes I would make it a month before giving in and giving up. No matter how hard I tried, I kept sabotaging myself. I’d try to lose weight so I could finally find someone that would love me. But then I’d start to panic that it wasn’t being fat that kept me single, but because I wasn’t good enough. I’d think I could do it to be able to fit into smaller clothes. Then I’d see the trendier (and much more expensive) clothes and fear that if I lost weight I’d spend too much on clothing.

Like I said, it was a vicious cycle, and I didn’t know how to break it. Again, I don’t know when specifically it happened, but that cycle that I had ridden for so many years started to crumble over in Israel. I had positive reinforcement from others when I’d put myself down. I had people listen to me and encourage me to speak my mind. I had the time of my life, and knew I wanted to come back again and do even more the next time! My trip companions gave me the confidence to start singing again (and boy, does it ever feel great!) They stopped me when I said I wasn’t good enough to find someone to date. Most importantly, they provided me with enough self-worth that I know I can succeed if I just do it for me.

While the last several years have been fraught with yo-yoing, I’m determined to make sure this doesn’t happen again this time. When I returned home (to campus) I found that, despite eating like crazy over in Israel, I had still managed to lose eight pounds! In the eleven days since we returned, I have managed to lose another three. I’ve joined http://www.myfitnesspal.com in order to keep track of my daily calories and exercise (a truly wonderful website, and they have smart phone apps as well) and have some people that are going to go on walks with me. Most importantly, I have amazing friends (here and back home) that are joining me on this journey as “friends” on myfitnesspal, or as fellow dieters.

So here’s what I’m going to ask from you, my amazing readers. If you are already friends with me on mfp, then you can ignore the rest. If not, then I would highly recommend you check the website out. Even if you don’t want/need to lose any weight, it’s a great way to be more conscious of what you’re eating. If you decide to join, please add me (my username is XavierPaul101)  and we can work together. I would also LOVE comments and encouragement, either on here or on facebook. Finally, please send out a prayer for me, and remind me that God won’t let me down.

Thanks for reading, and as always, God Bless!

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Comments on: "Slowly Revealing A New Me" (6)

  1. Amanda "Memphis" said:

    Good Luck!! I have such terrible motivation sticking to a work-out routine, too. I have faith in you, though. You’ll rock at getting healthy!! 🙂

  2. Jen Holtebeck said:

    Paul, I identify with your struggle. I haven’t checked out myfitnesspal, but I am doing Weight Watchers, and the philosophy sounds similar — keep track of calories and exercise, and have a support group to help keep accountable. I also wanted to share today’s (February 2) blog entry on http://www.jillsavage.org/ with you. It’s a blog for moms, but today’s entry talks about how negative thoughts of self-worth are lies. God views you as a loved, redeemed child who belongs to him. You are God’s workmanship. It’s a beautiful entry, and I printed it out and put it in my Bible.

    • Thanks, Jen. I’ll have to check that blog out. The cool thing with myfitnesspal.com is that is has almost everything already in the database. So I can just search for a food item (Like HyVee yogurt lowfat blueberry) and it shows up. Even better, you can change the servings (including decimals) and it fills out all the info for you. At the end of the day it’s really easy to see what was really high, and what was a great choice. I’m planning on looking everything over before making my next grocery list. Thanks again for the support and response!

  3. Am praying for you Paul. You are impowered by the Holy Spirit to see this through.
    Shalom
    Carlyn

    • Thanks, Carlyn! It’s great to see so many supporting me in this new effort. I’m so excited to have such amazing people accompanying me on this additional journey.

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